A tale by Jabber
7:42pm Scent is vaguely strong but floral. Not overpowering with raspberry.
7:43pm I took my first sip. Approximately one ounce of liquid. The flavor is vile and poisonous with a fruity finish. The aftertaste is acceptable. Maybe my palate is corrupted by the slice of coffee cake I just ate… We shall see….
7:47pm Nope. It isn’t. The flavor of the beverage hits you in the face with awfulness and only relents once the substance has gone down the hatch. I suspect that that is what Brainy Smurf would taste like had he been placed in a juicer.
7:50pm approximately five of the 23.5 ounces consumed. My consciousness is slightly relaxed and blurry. This may be psychosommatic.
7:55pm Distant tinnitus noticable. Motor skills fine IMHO. Excreted 6 ounces of urine 9I’ve been drinking soda all day). Flavor helped along by holding my breath until the beverage has cleared my throat. The taste is simply too vile to drink otherwise.
8:05pm Simple laboral house chores completed with ease (sorting clothing/colors, loading, unloading washing and drying machines). I have two more loads to do.
8:06pm I’m hit with a subtle wave of tipsiness. only 7oz have been consumed.
8:09pm Definite numbing sensations around my sinuses and gum line. My muscles feel slightly more ridgid than normal. I mentally feel awake and perky. I may be consuming too rapidly….
8:15pm Staring into high contrast areas returns notably less visual fidelity than normal. Able to measure 30ml dosing units to add to the reef tank effectively. Motor skills not massively impacted… yet.
8:22pm The first 525ml have been consumed. I feel solidly buzzed, much in the way that one would feel at the END of a drinking night. I have made the decision to consume the rest of the drink with about a cup and a half of ice.
8:25pm Ice does not improve it’s flavor.
8:28pm The state of Pennsylvian would surely not allow me to drive a bus full of nuns at this point.
8:29pm Active static-y visual artifacts are presant. Slight tunnel vision when not paying attention. I refusto correct spelling mistakes at this point to see how horribly my typing becomes.
8:31pm There’s a whole lot of this shit left to drnl.
8:34pm I don’t taste much anymore, but my body’s dracktion to a swing of this is still of repulsion. SAtill it’s no Absinthe which I am unable to drink to any drefee of effectivneness.
8:44pm simple sinentific tests (checking alkalinity and calcium levels on reff aquaria) completed without noticible error. typing, though seems to be a bit of a challenge. Still very awake. Eyes feel as wide open as possible. Slight neasea. also a senstion of drowseyness.
Time unknown Normally read text is blurry. Maybe I should have schediled my 9:40 am eye exaam for some other time… Or contucted this experiment at atalater date?
8:49pm It’s 8:49 btw
8:49pm My fish tanks are so preetyy I want to swin in the sea.
8:55pm Organizing clothing hangards is not supposed to be this hard I do not think.
8:56pm Oh… It tastes SO bad.
To Nora It’s only 1 can though. I’m not dumb enough to attempt a second one, let alone third one. I’ll be reporting to you from the front lines until I crash out for the night. No worries, my wonderful friend. My safty is assured… or if I don’t post in 15 mins, all the EMS.
Also I have only 9 fish now. An d a crab. and a starfish and 2 shrimp and some snails. Mrs. Landon, I’ve never been drunk around you. It’s that strange? Well, maybe less strange from dangfling from tree limbs while you ride by on your Huffy? I miss you and still feel bad at throwing crabapples at you and making you cry and then your dad may you apologize to ME? That was crap. I’m totally sorry for that. And the boomerang thing…. and the telling you that I could come and play when it wa snowing out, but my mom wouldn’t let me after you got all bundled up and ready and walked all ther way down the street.
Time unknown I got OJ? I dunno. Blue Raspberry and OJ? I have Sieera Mist… That might work. I’m concerned abou thte calorie count however…
9:06pm Ice has reduced to approximatly 1 cup. I’m felling highly buzzed/low-range drunk. Not spinny yet in any capasity (eyes open or closed). Flavor is still detactably vile.
Time unknown I cant wait to read this tomorrow am.
9:10pm six ounces clear liquid expelled via abdomial apendages. I just wrote this to 718 people.
9:13pm As far as I cn tell so far Amy it’s “get drunk in a can”./ But at this point I would advise against consuming such beverage unless you know what you are buying into. I have a solid (guessing) seventy pounds on you and and I’m done with a single can yet…. I drink once a week, on average.
9:37pm Almost finished can 1. I feel balhhhh. stomache slightly bothered. General drunken feeling. Awake. Still no spins. So far this is a geat drink to simulate what getting drunk at 2pm would feel likea t 10pm.
Time unknown Dude - I do not want to know what a true loko night is. It took me 2 hours to drink 1 of them and I feel all…. grizzly.
9:51pm The deed is done. This shit is seriously foul and I think Leeann is going to be rihgt. Uugh. grosss. I feel… awake but I don’t want to be. Even bothered about that fact. I’m definitely not good to drive anywhere, bnut I can see where in a highly social situation I may convince myself otherwise. I feel low-level wrecked. Conscious, not spinny, by dysfuncional and apathetic. fuck lundry I tell you. I’ll just put that shit on spin cycle with some water tomorrw afternoon and hop the wrinkles out. visuals? degraded. no schizo stuff, just apatheitc and half-assed. Not so much tunneled at all, I just don’t care to process whatever it is my eyes land on. text is slightly blurry. I can read this. This is an achievement. My fish tank it still pretty though. F-U for saying otherwise. ZOA GARDEN.
So my verdict at this point? This shit SUCKS.k terrrible to drink. I’d rather ogve packed away a LOT of PBR’s (which I have).. This drink is just stupid. I guess if you’ve got like $2 and you want to get blurry, it’s great. But if you want o have a goo d time and make it last all evening, it’;s utter vile filth. I can’t underscore enough how bad this concoxion tastes. itss bad. Like for ealbad. and alledgedly I biught trhe “good tasting” kinfds. I can SEE why kids choose to shotgun this shit,. It’s awful. like REALLy awful. And this is ho wbad I’m typing aftyer dragging 1 can out over 4 hours. c an only imaginge if i fuynneled all of it down my gullet in 15 seconds.
In closing. Fuck this shot/ I regret even buying it, and doubt i’ve even drink it again.m I got a whoel cashe of ANCHOR STEAM down there and I waste the entire evening reviewing this stuff? Sad day., Well. LKaundry is almost done and sobriety can’t get here soon enough. Two thumbs down, unless you want to get dunk right here right now, in which case one thumb and a DUI ticket way up. Piss on it . ban it. It will not be missed here.
Time unknown The end. I lived.